There are mornings when I wake before the light, and all I can feel is this ache, a deep pull that no rest, no word, no human presence can ease. It is the hunger for God alone. I try to name it, but the moment I do, it burns hotter. It is not a desire for comfort, or peace, or even for holiness. It is the raw cry of the heart that wants to belong entirely to Him, to be consumed by His will, to breathe only His breath.
Here in this hermitage, in this little chapel, everything has been stripped down. I once thought I needed the monastery, the habit, the rhythm of bells and the ordered life. Now I see that He has drawn me into something harder, obedience without structure, poverty without witness, surrender without visible altar. My heart itself must become the altar. The cell is not around me but inside me. And I must not flee it.
Zacharou’s words pierce me to the marrow: “Man is realised when he is enlarged to embrace the whole creation and bring it before God.” I read that and something in me trembles. How could a heart like mine ever hold the world? I am so small, so easily agitated, distracted, wounded by the smallest thing. And yet, beneath all that frailty, there is this unbearable longing to love as God loves, to let His fire burn through me until nothing remains but that love.
Sometimes I feel the demons near, whispering that this hidden life is meaningless, that isolation has swallowed me whole. They tell me I have failed in what I set out to be. But then I remember, the monk’s work, as Zacharou says, is to “feed himself with the bread of tears day by day.” To weep, to pray, to trust that the grace withdrawn for a time will return as something deeper, truer.
So I stay. I wait. I offer my weakness as my obedience. I whisper His Name again and again, until it fills the hollow space within me. I ask Him to drive out the law of sin, to cleanse this house of all that clings to the world, and to install the law of grace. I ask Him to make my heart vast, not for my own sake, but so that His love might reach through it into every dark and forgotten corner of the world.
Lord, if I am to be denied the name of monk, then let me still live as one before Your eyes. Let my obedience be my habit, my tears my tonsure, my silence my rule. Let this chapel, with its worn icons, its scent of oil and wax, be the cradle where You teach me to love as You love.
I want to belong to You so completely that there is no longer “I” left to speak of, only the echo of Your mercy moving through my being. Expand me, Lord. Tear down the walls of this small heart and fill it with the wideness of Your own. Make me an intercessor for the world not by word or office but by fire, a man who carries creation in the furnace of Your love.
If this is obedience, then it is everything I desire. If this is my monastic cell, then let it never be broken open. Keep me here, hidden with You, until the fire consumes all that is not love.
Reflection influenced by the writing of
Archimandrite Zacharias Zacharou
Perfect Surrendering to the Spirit of Salvation pp 37-39
Well, I'm certainly not in the same state of life as you, and im not at the stage where I long for God alone, but I understand the confusion of not having a normal, "stable," recognizable life. I understand the anxiety or confusion and feeling of not living up to an expectation. I've come to see St Rocco as something like an example or kindred spirit. Keep it up, Father, and thanks for sharing your feelings, that I feel too. - Your Italian Friend from Lynchburg.
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