Abba Isaac, I feel torn apart by the uncertainty of my life. I wait, but hear nothing. I long to trust, but my heart is restless, always turning back to my own fears and calculations. How can I go on like this?
If you believe that God provides for you, why are you anxious? And if you do not believe, then you are most miserable, for you are bearing a burden no man can carry alone. Cast your care upon the Lord. Let Him nourish you.
But I have given myself to Him, or at least I thought I had. Yet I still find myself troubled, watching for signs, waiting for men to speak, fearing silence.
Then you have not surrendered once and for all. He who has given himself entirely to God walks through life with a restful mind. The turmoil you feel comes from clinging still to what you cannot control. Without detachment, there is no peace.
The silence, the delays, the stripping away—it feels like abandonment. Why would God leave me in this darkness?
Do not despise what you suffer. Without temptations, no one learns the wisdom of the Spirit. Without tasting weakness, you will never know the power of God’s protection. Without drinking Christ’s sufferings, you cannot have communion with Him. What you call abandonment is the very chalice of His Passion given into your hands.
Then this waiting, this uncertainty, even this loneliness—it is not wasted?
No, it is your place of communion. Consent to it. Attend to prayer, to reading, to vigil. Let go of the anxious scattering of your mind. Stand before God as one bound before the Cross, powerless, and you will find that such weakness is strength. Then a sweetness will spring up in your heart, and you will know that you are not alone.
Father, your words pierce me. You say the very trial I despise may be the doorway to life.
Yes. What you endure now is not a barrier but the narrow gate. Step through with trust, and you will find Him already waiting.
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